My heart bleeds

Tuesday my heart bled.  It was a difficult, trying night.  My tears flowed, my spirit was weak and my heart bled.

Sometimes in life we encounter things that require action we don't like or want to take.  This was one of those times.  Something so simple, so innocent changed in a split second.  Isn't that how things usually happen, someone in a relationship tells us they don't want to be with us anymore; a friend betrays us; our house goes into foreclosure; we lose our job.  This was an issue involving my son and it wasn't even that big....but my heart bled.

Why is it that when it comes to our children, our heart breaks when we have to stand firm and hold on to boundaries and decisions? Oh this was the stereotypical court scene for us.  You present your case, I present my case, you give your rebuttal....I win! The problem is that day, for me, there was no winning. 

I left the "court" with my head buried in my chest and my heart bleeding.  For the sake of protecting everyone involved, I will not elaborate on the situation but I get it.  As I walked away, I remembered the words from Hebrews 12:

My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. [v5]

We don't want to discipline our "children" it breaks our heart but "broken hearts" is what has gotten our society in the mess we are in.  We have to step in and do our part....even if your heart bleeds.

Hebrews 12 goes on to say "We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and how we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!" [v9]

The following day, when I actually got to see my son I told him "Yesterday was rough, my heart bled."  He responded with "Mom, hearts don't bleed, they pump blood."  I wanted to say yes, they do and they break too.

Instead, I went back in time....a time when we were riding our bikes on the sidewalk.  He was about four years old and we rode singing "Open the eyes of my heart Lord, Open the eyes of my heart...I want to see you."  He looked at me and asked "Mommy, do our hearts really have eyes?"  I explained to him that our hearts did not have eyes or eye lashes but through our hearts, we can often see God especially through worship.

Our conversation continued like this:

Matthew: Oh, I wish my heart had eyes. 
Me: Why son?
Matthew: So I could see what little girl he is preparing for me to marry.

I began early praying that God would prepare for Matthew the girl he was to marry one day.  I would often pray "write the name of that little girl on his heart," and he was curious to know who that was...even at four years old. 

So no, our hearts don't have visible eyes and our hearts don't literally bleed...it only feels like it.  If they did, I can imagine how our Savior's heart would "bleed" everytime we turn our backs, everytime we make excuses for our behavior, everytime we miss being in church or God's Word.

I am so thankful for the opportunity that God has given me to lead a family.  It is a responsibility I do not take lightly.  It is hard work and at times my heart bleeds but I am thankful for the blood shed for me on the cross.  It gives me direction, instruction and hope.

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons.  For what son is not disciplimed by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), they you are illegitimate children and not true sons.  Habrews 12: 7-8