It wasn't easy...

Ahhhh it is finally here.  The eve of a new beginning.  The close of another chapter.  It is finally here.  There have been joys, there have been sorrows, there have been losses and there have been accomplishments.  Alas, it is soon behind us.  In reflecting back on the last 365 days, I have had some disappointments but there has been much more happiness.  This is the year I left my much loved job of 30 years, this is the year our first headed off to college...with two others close behind.  This is the year that is now "the past."

I have learned many lessons.  I have learned that I have a plan but God is the ultimate authority and plan as I may, He often takes me in another direction.  I have made many new friends, lost many old friends, and continue to pray for the existing friends.  I have developed a love and a passion for ministering to women and the enemy often gets in the way.  I am often amazed at who the enemy will use in an effort to complete his plan but never amazed that God is always the victor.

One of the most humbling experiences came out of a ladies bible study class I facilitated this fall.  I chose to facilitate a class based on the book Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall.  A friend gave me that book three years ago and asked me to read it at a time I had no desire to read, much less forgive.  I began the class with three ladies that had been in my class before and several new ladies.  I was moving right along and enjoying the class until I told a personal story.  I saw the faces of these ladies and one popped up and asked a question that pretty much stunned me. 

You see, I was dealing with my own forgiveness issues.  Have you ever gone on a mission to "rescue someone" and then discover that it's your issue and you should deal with you first? Once they heard my story, these ladies held me accountable and weekly asked if I had taken care of my situation.  I can not thank them enough for the doors they helped open in my life.

My issue was my mother.  For so many years, there was anger, animosity, envy, and bitterness between these two women....a mother and daughter.  The mother envied the daughters freedom; the daughter carried bitterness of her childhood.  There was no "my mother is my best friend" attitude.  The further away I got, the better off I was.  There was constant criticism about fashion, weight, make-up, employment and life choices and it was never ending.  It was fuel to an everburning fire.  There were never kind words and "I love you" were foreign words and never said. 

Honoring that parent was difficult and while "respecting my elder" did exist, that respect exuded rebellion and animosity.  So, in sharing this with these ladies, the question was asked "what about you?"  To which I responded "What about me?" Oh Oh....I knew what was coming.  "When are you going to forgive your mom and move on?"  As a leader, much is expected.  I take my leadership role very serious and pray that God will find me acceptable to lead these women.  So, I took the challenge and began praying about approaching my mother.  I thought I was  "knowledgeable" of forgiveness as I had done my share recently but what I found was I just couldn't approach mom. She had built this wall of "matriarchal rule" that made it impossible to penetrate.  However, what I found was a softening of my heart as I taught Total Forgiveness and attempted to live it. 

I had three opportunities to "do it" and I blew all three.  I ran away.  Once, I was grateful my dad walked in from work and I could make a quick exit.  Forgiveness is never easy but one thing we learned in this class is that forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for us!  It is to set us free.  When I was finally able to sit with mom one on one and discuss this with her, I found that "the veil was removed." What freedom we both experienced.  I saw my mother through the eyes of my siblings which often encouraged forgiveness.  I can not believe I carried this anger and bitterness all these years.  Through conversation, I was able to learn so much from mom and why she did some of the things she did.  It could not have been easy to be 17 years old with a toddler, a newborn and no job with dad in the army.  It couldn't have been easy to be 28 years old and have five children.  It couldn't have been easy....but she loved me. 

I have enjoyed my time with her immensely!  I get to visit with her several times a week and we often get some hearty laughs.  I believe I had reservations about approaching her because I "feared" her response.  I did not have the confidence that she would be receptive.  What I failed to take in consideration that God was at the heart of it.

As we begin the new year, consider this: You answer to God for your actions.  So as we begin this new year, examine your heart [Psalm 139:23-24].  When you get beyond that, ask God to give you the strength to take action.  We are to immulate Him.  I could not go on teaching [with a clear conscious] knowing this was in my heart.

No, it wasn't easy but it couldn't have been easy for God to send His only Son to die on the cross for me.  I often listen to the  C.C. Winnans song It Wasn't Easy and I understand.  I had to go to my mother, I had to release that bitterness, I had to listen to God's voice.  It wasn't easy....but it was worth it.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  Colassians 3:13